Act One[/u]
INT. THE DOMINION BAR
Music blares as a Chaos Demon (blue humanoid demon with antlers, and covered in slime) parades around a stage, wearing a G-string.
The song is Machine Gun Fellatio’s “Rollercoaster”:
You're like a rollercoaster, toast ya
in a big four-poster bed
You're such a puddin' I shouldn't I couldn't
I'm a gorilla in a wooden kegThe Chaos Demon is thrusting and gyrating all over the stage, with a crowd of demonic women of all different shapes and sizes enraptured.
Cruise around town with the windows down
Shakin' all 'round to the stereo sound
Cruise around town with the windows down
Shakin' all up to the summertime soundWe cut to a VAMPIRE GIRL watching the show, really getting into it. She takes a swig of blood, which she’s drinking from a pint glass, just as a glob of slime hits her smack in the face.
She grins, and takes another swig of blood.
We pan across, to find CLEM mopping up the spilled blood. Bob has the body effortlessly thrown over his shoulder. Shell watches, stunned. She’s not sure what to make of the situation.
BOB:
I’ll throw this in the freezer. One of the ladies may want to take their dinner home.
CLEM:
Good idea.
Bob carries the body out the back, as Clem concentrates on his cleaning.
SHELL:
Wha—what the hell is going on here?
CLEM (still concentrating):
Ladies’ night.
(beat)
Don’t you just hate mopping up blood? This is going to stain, for sure.
SHELL:
I really wouldn’t know…
Clem looks up, and smiles at Shell, as he puts the mop back in the bucket.
CLEM:
Sorry, this is my place, the Dominion Bar. Basically, it’s, well, a bar, where demons from all over the place, whatever dimension, can come for a drink.
Shell looks towards the stage. The Vampire Girl is now getting a lap dance from the Chaos Demon.
SHELL:
Uh huh…
CLEM:
Yeah, it’s ladies’ night.
SHELL:
So you mentioned.
CLEM:
I keep telling Kalinka that we should have a boy’s night, too. It only seems fair, y’know. No strippers or anything, I wouldn’t do that to Kallie. But some beers, some poker, we can play for kittens…
SHELL:
Okay, can we slow down here?
Demons still exist. Check.
Apparently, there are multiple dimensions. Check.
All these demons just so happen to like drinking together…
Bob returns from out the back.
BOB:
Well, no, not traditionally. They usually try to kill each other. Which can be amusing, but it’s kinda bad for business.
(beat)
Clem, the body wouldn’t fit in the freezer, so I had to chop it into a few pieces.
Clem shrugs his shoulders.
CLEM:
More to go around, I guess.
SHELL:
So, why
don’t the demons try and kill each other?
CLEM:
Well, see what happened to that Slayer that tried to kill you? We have a protection spell in place. If you try to hurt someone, you suffer the injury.
SHELL:
Okay, and now we’re talking about a Slayer? As in Senaya?
CLEM:
No, silly. Senaya? That sounds like a type of cracker. I’m talking Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. Blonde girl, fights demons, destroys her home town…?
SHELL:
Um… Are you sure? There was a Slayer thousands of years ago…
CLEM:
And every generation after that, and after that, and after that... Until Buffy. Then there was a second one because…
BOB:
She died. And came back. Twice.
CLEM:
Right. And then Sunnydale got destroyed, I had to find a new place to live – which is how I ended up here, by the way – and a very close friend of mine made any girl with the potential become a Slayer.
BOB:
Including those girls who attacked you tonight. What we need to do is find out exactly why Slayers are attacking their own kind.
SHELL:
What? As in me? A Slayer? Fighting demons, saving the world… Not a chance in Hell.
Shell looks around her surroundings. The Vampire Girl is now spanking the Chaos Demon.
SHELL:
Um… No offence.
BOB:
Nah, we get that all the time.
(beat)
Do you have the memories?
SHELL:
What, of like, early childhood? Or repressed memories about a creepy drunken uncle at Christmas?
BOB:
Of Slayers.
SHELL:
No!
Bob rubs his head, growing slightly frustrated.
BOB:
Look, you obviously know what a Slayer is. Generally, mortals don’t know that.
CLEM:
Unless you’ve met one.
BOB:
Unless you’ve met one.
(beat)
You’re well aware of the First Slayer, and you even know her name. Right?
SHELL:
Yeah, that’s right…
BOB:
Then how?
SHELL (under breath):
I’m reincarnated from her.
BOB:
Say what?
SHELL:
Reincarnated. You know, as in I was her, in a previous life.
Bob tries to hold back a smile, and only partially succeeds.
SHELL:
Yeah, laugh it up. Just like they did at Mosaic.
CLEM:
Mosaic?
Shell shoots Clem an icy stare.
Clem literally takes a step back.
SHELL:
It’s a long story.
BOB:
No matter. How ‘bout you and I go out for some fresh air?
SHELL:
Look, I came here so you could protect me from those girls. Or Slayers, or whatever. I’m not going back out there again.
BOB:
No, not out there. Come on.
Bob leads Shell towards the door, which they entered through, and opens it.
BOB:
Trust me.
Clem watches Shell and Bob leave, and proceeds to continue his mopping.
KALINKA, a stunning blonde woman in her late twenties, saunters towards Clem. She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
CLEM (nervously):
Kallie, we have customers. What if they see?
KALINKA:
So, you’re worried about them seeing you with your wife, but it’s okay for them to see you flirting with some young girl who just wanders in?
CLEM:
Come on, honey, you know it’s not like that.
(beat)
Besides, you know I only have a thing for Vengeance Demons.
Kalinka glares at Clem.
CLEM:
Or, you know, you.
Kalinka’s glare turns into a smile, and then laughter.
KALINKA:
Just shut up and kiss me.
Clem leans in, and kisses Kalinka.
In the background, the Vampire Girl can be seen holding the Vengeance Demon by the hand, leading him out the door.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY, DOMINION BAR ACCESS POINT – NIGHT
The Vampire Girl and the Chaos Demon exit through the door, and walk through the alley. The rain is still pouring, but the couple aren’t phased by it.
The Vampire Girl throws the Chaos Demon against a wall, and starts kissing him passionately.
P.O.V. CHAOS DEMON – The Vampire Girl explodes into dust, revealing Bianca, holding a stake.
BIANCA:
It’s really not a good night to be a demon.
The Chaos Demon pushes past Bianca, and runs for his life.
CHAOS DEMON (yelling):
Somebody! Help!
BIANCA (O.S.):
Oh, is the poor widdle demon being picked on by the mean girl?
The Chaos Demon keeps running, looking left and right. He’s petrified.
FRIENDLY FEMALE VOICE (O.S.):
Quick! This way!
The Chaos Demon runs across the road, towards the friendly voice. Once he gets there, we learn that the friendly voice is none other than Sarah.
Sarah swiftly draws her katana, and in one simple slice, decapitates the Chaos Demon.
SARAH:
Come on; is all this commotion really worth losing your head over?
EXT. PHOTOK DIMEMSION
A red sun shines as Shell and Bob wander across a barren wasteland. The ground is made up of dirt, and buried demonic skeletons are protruding through the ground. They are near a cliff, and far below is a lake filled with translucent purple liquid.
SHELL:
What—? How?
BOB:
Clem told you about how the bar is accessible from various dimensions?
SHELL:
Kinda.
BOB:
Basically, the door we came through is an access point. There are tens of thousands scattered throughout various dimensions. You find an access point, provide the password, which changes every five minutes, and you can enter our bar.
SHELL:
Cool.
(beat)
But why aren’t they marked? Think of the advertising potential.
BOB:
Nice theory, except we don’t like to draw attention to ourselves.
SHELL:
So, how do people find the bar?
BOB:
How did you find it?
SHELL:
I don’t know… I just kind of felt it.
BOB:
Exactly. Same thing goes for the password. It’s all accessible for demons, witches, the mystically inclined, whatever. As long as you possess some form of magical power within you, you’ll find it.
SHELL:
But I’m…
BOB:
Human. Mortal. Whatever.
(beat)
But you feature powers. Strengths that humans don’t.
SHELL:
Look, I had a few dreams about some girl I was in a previous life.
BOB:
And that’s it?
SHELL:
Yes!
In the distance, a herd of six LITTLE DEMONS, standing at about two feet tall and carrying spears can be seen. Bob and Shell don’t notice them.
BOB:
So, you don’t have any mystical abilities whatsoever.
SHELL:
Nope.
BOB:
No enhanced strength and agility.
SHELL:
Zip.
BOB:
Or heightened senses?
SHELL:
Zilch.
BOB:
Ability to heal quickly?
SHELL:
Nada.
BOB:
Interesting…
SHELL:
What, that I don’t have superpowers? That’s a new one.
BOB:
No… your ability to give monosyllabic answers. It really is quite astounding.
Shell and Bob keep wandering, as the little demons start pointing at Bob, and speaking in their demonic language.
LITTLE DEMON #1 (subtitled):
Look at that! He shall save us from the dreaded Lizard Beast!
LITTLE DEMON #2 (subtitled):
Yes! And then he shall mate with our Queen.
LITTLE DEMON #3 (subtitled):
Yes, his DNA shall make our people strong.
LITTLE DEMON #4 (subtitled):
But we must rescue him from the scary demon that is holding him captive.
The six Little Demons charge at Shell, with their spears poised. Little Demon #5 leaps at Shell’s face, and she brushes him aside.
Little Demons #6 and #3 grab at her legs, while Little Demons #1 and #4 jump at Shell’s hands. She fights them off with ease.
Little Demon #2 stands at Bob’s feet, trying to communicate with him. Bob has no idea what he’s saying.
LITTLE DEMON #2 (subtitled):
You will find our Queen highly attractive. The mating ritual is relatively pain—
Before Little Demon #2 can finish his sentence, a forked tongue - about three metres long - wraps around his waste, whipping him away.
Shell looks up.
SHELL:
Aw, crap.
We see a giant snake, about seven feet tall and fifty feet long – the dreaded LIZARD BEAST. The remaining Little Demons scurry behind Bob for protection.
BOB:
Shell, we’d best get out of here.
Just as Bob finishes his sentence, Shell reaches behind him and snatches two spears from the Little Demons.
Shell charges at the Lizard Beast, with a spear firmly gripped in each hand. As she approaches, the Lizard Beast lashes its tongue at her. She jumps, and landing on the tongue, uses it as a springboard, propelling her towards its eyes.
Shell stabs the Lizard Beast in each eye. It screeches with a high pitched scream and flails about, falling off the cliff, taking Shell down with it.
After falling a few feet, Shell leaps towards the top of the cliff, just barely able to grab it. She slowly pulls herself up.
LITTLE DEMON #5 (subtitled):
I doubt our Queen would like to mate with the scary demon. Let’s not mention it, and hope it doesn’t ask.
Bob runs over, and reaches down to Shell, helping her back to the ground.
BOB:
That was also quite astounding.
Shell looks at Bob, shaken by the incident.
SHELL:
Um… okay…
(beat)
I think I need some time alone.
BOB:
Fair enough. You know where you can find me.
Bob turns around, leaving Shell to continue wandering alone.
INT. THE DOMINION BAR
Clem and Kalinka are behind the bar, rushing around to get serve a huge group of customers.
A LITTLE OLD LADY DEMON, about five feet tall, dressed in a cardigan, with a walking stick – a typical little old lady, aside from the grotesque fangs – stands at the bar. Kalinka passes her a drink.
LITTLE OLD LADY DEMON:
Why, thank you, dear.
The Little Old Lady Demon opens her purse, and drops small coinage on the counter, slowly counting the coins.
LITTLE OLD LADY DEMON:
Five, ten, fifteen…
Kalinka, growing frustrated, turns to Clem.
KALINKA:
Just typical, our act runs off with one of the customers, so we’re left rushing around after everyone, wanting to drown their sorrows!
Clem smiles at his wife, and turns back to his customer.
CLEM:
Enjoy your drink, ma’am.
At the back of the crowd a voice can be heard.
VOICE:
Excuse me! Coming through! Move that fat ass, you heifer.
KALINKA:
Ugh, what now?
We watch, as the voice belongs to Sarah, pushing her way through the crowd. She’s holding a box, all wrapped up, and tied together with a very pretty, pink bow.
SARAH:
Look, I know you’re after a drink, but this is urgent. Just let me through.
Sarah fights her way to the counter, and towards Kalinka.
KALINKA:
While the Dominion Bar appreciates your patronage, we really hope you’re not here to cause more trouble. Clem spent ages cleaning up the mess your friend left behind.
SARAH:
Yeah, look, I’m really sorry about that. Things got out of control, and…
(beat)
Well, I brought you guys a gift to apologise. No hard feelings?
Clem’s eyes light up, and he smiles.
CLEM:
Is it chocolate?
SARAH:
I’m afraid not, but you should find it delicious.
CLEM:
Thanks! And no hard feelings.
KALINKA:
Yeah… Thanks.
Sarah passes the gift to Kalinka, and turns around and leaves, pushing her way past the crowd.
Kalinka turns, and nonchalantly tosses the gift in the bin.
KALINKA:
We really need to talk to Willow about updating the spell to lock certain individuals out.
We follow Sarah as she walks towards the door. It opens, and Bob enters.
Sarah bumps past Bob.
SARAH:
‘Scuse us.
Bob looks, and sees the swarm of patrons.
BOB (calling across the bar):
You guys look like you could use a hand!
KALINKA (sarcastically):
No thanks, Bob. No pressure whatsoever!
BOB:
Beautiful. In that case, grab me a beer a beer while you’re over there.
Bob chuckles to himself, and heads behind the bar.
KALINKA:
Where’s the girl?
BOB:
She kicked some guy’s ass, and is spending a bit of time on her own. Reflecting on it, I guess.
KALINKA:
Poor girl. It’s a lot to take in…
(beat)
Oh, and one of those Slayers came back.
(sarcastically)
She brought us a gift. Such a lovely thought.
BOB (calling out):
Alright, everyone! Bar’s closed!
He turns to Kalinka and Clem; the groans of everyone in the queue can be heard.
BOB:
A “gift”? Did you open it?
KALINKA:
Not a chance. I threw it out.
Bob reaches into the bin, and pulls the package out.
BOB:
Maybe I should open it. As long as we’re in here, we’re safe.
CLEM:
And who knows? Maybe she is sorry.
BOB:
Or she
will be.
Bob unwraps the gift, and opens the box.
BOB:
Charming…
Inside the box is the Chaos Demon’s severed head, and a note. Bob takes out the note, and reads it.
The note reads:
You have two hours to give us the girl. Otherwise, all your patrons will suffer a similar fate.
Have a nice day!Clem looks inside the box.
CLEM:
Ugh… I won’t find
that delicious!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE.
