Post by Loz on Feb 19, 2012 18:33:26 GMT 10
Been reading some reviews on The Vine. Can't believe i missed this one. I laughed reading it. A lot 
Twilight - Breaking Dawn PI - Review
by PaulVerhoeven on Nov 17 2011, 04:00PM
I took my girlfriend along to the Twilight screening, following the same sadistic lines of reasoning which allow us to make loved ones endure a 2 Girls 1 Cup ambush. She's pretty cynical, so I was almost certain she'd buckle under the crapulence; I met her after work, and led her to the screening. We wove our way through a pretty dense crowd of women. Girls, actually. Well, to be fair, a pretty even mix, many clutching merchandise, buying merchandise, or breathing heavily on merchandise. And in keeping with the spirit of the proceedings, we procured a popcorn bucket the size of my head, on which Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) pouted vaguely through an airbrushed fug.
When we darted inside, I found that we were oddly buzzing with a kind of anticipatory glee; when you're looking forward to hating on something, and you're surrounded by those who love it, you're inflicted with a sort of a prolonged emotional espionage boner. So we slid into our seats, and flung whispered insults at a clutch of giggling 13 year old girls wearing Jacob shirts here, and several middle aged women looking dour but determined there. And eventually, the cinema filled up, much as a bowel would fill up with crap sucked back up into the buttonhole. I'm assuming this happens at least occasionally.
Which seems a good point to address the film itself. Things kick off with the wedding between Bella and Edward, and all of Bella's associated stress issues, which don't really show on her face because, well, Stewart can't emote. This is one of the problems this film in particular has; the director tries to utilise back-and-forth shots between characters to convey stress, tension, and so forth via unspoken sentiments between Edward, Jacob, and Bella. But Bella just sort of forces her face into this weird nondescript grimace, meaning all the other performers look out of place.
This is really the core of the cinematic problems here; the source material, this book in particular, is morally backwards, encourages women to deal with abusive spouses, and is riddled with other issues. But Breaking Dawn, Part 1 suffers further from Stewart's presence - she's frighteningly wooden, and not just because a living wooden puppet would be frightening in and of itself - and Lautner, who has acting ability, but lacks the ability to tone down the hamminess of his role. The rest of the cast do fine, especially Pattinson, who somehow brings the most life to the film (it's ironic because he's the undead. Don't make me spell it out).
In terms of eliciting a negative response from audiences, however, the scenes which pack the most weight are:
- The prolonged honeymoon, which begins with Bella trying to convey 'horny' at Edward, whose reticence towards making love is entirely justified because until he turns her into a vampire, he's liable to get carried away and genuinely damage her. But she's 18, and she's married, which means sex is finally acceptable! Thanks for pummelling us with that, Stephanie Meyer. Well, they go ahead and make love, and she's battered, but she's fine with that. Edward, not being an asshole, wisely refuses any more sex. Thus begins a montage of Bella trying to seduce Edward, which is problematic because Stewart has all the sex appeal of a damp carrot. A SEXY damp carrot, I hear you say? … No.
- The talking wolves. At one point, Jacob clashes with the other werewolves because they're planning on killing Bella's unborn baby, which may or may not become a monster. It's like the entirety of Snow Dogs condensed down to 60 very emo seconds.
- The horrendous anti-abortion moralising. The baby is literally killing Bella - she loses a horrific amount of weight, her bones buckle and fracture and her makeup SUCKS - yet Bella insists she have it. Thus, Meyer teaches young girls that even if a pregnancy is going to kill you, you'd better not abort it. This is compounded when the baby TALKS TO EDWARD AND TELLS HIM HE LOVES THEM. Which of course implies the baby will remember emerging from the birth canal, which gives me all kinds of nightmares.
- The birth scene. This might be the stupidest and most offensive 10 minutes or so of any movie in the series. First, the baby breaks Bella's spine. Then, it gets stuck, so Edward has to eat open her stomach, because it's choking, and presumably because stomach is delicious. Then, they deliver it, and hurry to pump his venom into her, which might save her by turning her into a vampire too. Jacob, furious, heads into the living room to kill the baby, but then he imprints on it. And imprinting is effectively when a werewolf falls in love for life. So Jacob falls in love with a baby, which has been named Renesmee, a hideous combination of the grandmothers names Renee and Esmé by the way, and maps out their entire lives together in the blink of an eye. Will Renesmee, the child with the worst name in all of history, have issues with this arranged marriage? Will Jacob be able to hold off from wanting sexy times for 16 years? Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of STEPHANIE MEYER IS A MORON.
The film wrapped up with… well, things work out alright for everyone. As a movie, it's functional on a technical level, and I pity the performers who are genuinely capable (for the most part). But it's based on a series of truly idiotic novels which, whilst works of an evil marketing genius, are artistic pollutants. Try and avoid getting dragged along to this one.
- No stars
Twilight - Breaking Dawn PI - Review
by PaulVerhoeven on Nov 17 2011, 04:00PM
I took my girlfriend along to the Twilight screening, following the same sadistic lines of reasoning which allow us to make loved ones endure a 2 Girls 1 Cup ambush. She's pretty cynical, so I was almost certain she'd buckle under the crapulence; I met her after work, and led her to the screening. We wove our way through a pretty dense crowd of women. Girls, actually. Well, to be fair, a pretty even mix, many clutching merchandise, buying merchandise, or breathing heavily on merchandise. And in keeping with the spirit of the proceedings, we procured a popcorn bucket the size of my head, on which Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) pouted vaguely through an airbrushed fug.
When we darted inside, I found that we were oddly buzzing with a kind of anticipatory glee; when you're looking forward to hating on something, and you're surrounded by those who love it, you're inflicted with a sort of a prolonged emotional espionage boner. So we slid into our seats, and flung whispered insults at a clutch of giggling 13 year old girls wearing Jacob shirts here, and several middle aged women looking dour but determined there. And eventually, the cinema filled up, much as a bowel would fill up with crap sucked back up into the buttonhole. I'm assuming this happens at least occasionally.
Which seems a good point to address the film itself. Things kick off with the wedding between Bella and Edward, and all of Bella's associated stress issues, which don't really show on her face because, well, Stewart can't emote. This is one of the problems this film in particular has; the director tries to utilise back-and-forth shots between characters to convey stress, tension, and so forth via unspoken sentiments between Edward, Jacob, and Bella. But Bella just sort of forces her face into this weird nondescript grimace, meaning all the other performers look out of place.
This is really the core of the cinematic problems here; the source material, this book in particular, is morally backwards, encourages women to deal with abusive spouses, and is riddled with other issues. But Breaking Dawn, Part 1 suffers further from Stewart's presence - she's frighteningly wooden, and not just because a living wooden puppet would be frightening in and of itself - and Lautner, who has acting ability, but lacks the ability to tone down the hamminess of his role. The rest of the cast do fine, especially Pattinson, who somehow brings the most life to the film (it's ironic because he's the undead. Don't make me spell it out).
In terms of eliciting a negative response from audiences, however, the scenes which pack the most weight are:
- The prolonged honeymoon, which begins with Bella trying to convey 'horny' at Edward, whose reticence towards making love is entirely justified because until he turns her into a vampire, he's liable to get carried away and genuinely damage her. But she's 18, and she's married, which means sex is finally acceptable! Thanks for pummelling us with that, Stephanie Meyer. Well, they go ahead and make love, and she's battered, but she's fine with that. Edward, not being an asshole, wisely refuses any more sex. Thus begins a montage of Bella trying to seduce Edward, which is problematic because Stewart has all the sex appeal of a damp carrot. A SEXY damp carrot, I hear you say? … No.
- The talking wolves. At one point, Jacob clashes with the other werewolves because they're planning on killing Bella's unborn baby, which may or may not become a monster. It's like the entirety of Snow Dogs condensed down to 60 very emo seconds.
- The horrendous anti-abortion moralising. The baby is literally killing Bella - she loses a horrific amount of weight, her bones buckle and fracture and her makeup SUCKS - yet Bella insists she have it. Thus, Meyer teaches young girls that even if a pregnancy is going to kill you, you'd better not abort it. This is compounded when the baby TALKS TO EDWARD AND TELLS HIM HE LOVES THEM. Which of course implies the baby will remember emerging from the birth canal, which gives me all kinds of nightmares.
- The birth scene. This might be the stupidest and most offensive 10 minutes or so of any movie in the series. First, the baby breaks Bella's spine. Then, it gets stuck, so Edward has to eat open her stomach, because it's choking, and presumably because stomach is delicious. Then, they deliver it, and hurry to pump his venom into her, which might save her by turning her into a vampire too. Jacob, furious, heads into the living room to kill the baby, but then he imprints on it. And imprinting is effectively when a werewolf falls in love for life. So Jacob falls in love with a baby, which has been named Renesmee, a hideous combination of the grandmothers names Renee and Esmé by the way, and maps out their entire lives together in the blink of an eye. Will Renesmee, the child with the worst name in all of history, have issues with this arranged marriage? Will Jacob be able to hold off from wanting sexy times for 16 years? Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of STEPHANIE MEYER IS A MORON.
The film wrapped up with… well, things work out alright for everyone. As a movie, it's functional on a technical level, and I pity the performers who are genuinely capable (for the most part). But it's based on a series of truly idiotic novels which, whilst works of an evil marketing genius, are artistic pollutants. Try and avoid getting dragged along to this one.
- No stars
Care factor = zero. The "battle" there was just whatever. The imprinting was as ick as expected. I'm sorry but there is no way of describing it that doesn't make it creepy as all hell. 
